Still You
by Emotistic Optimistic
Summary: After finally freeing everyone, you accidentally end up right back at the beginning. No one knows who you are, not even the person you love most. Do you have the Determination to do it all again?


You didn't mean to go this far back.

You just wanted to go back to when everyone left the Underground, to tell Toriel that you wanted to stay with her rather than stupidly going back to the life you lived before. But here you are, fallen down among the golden flowers deep inside Mt. Ebott.

Something about this reset is different; it's not like when you messed up and went back to the start to fix things. It feels…fresh. Like when you first "dropped in," so to speak. In…that _one_ run, the one you don't like thinking about, Sans had mentioned the timelines were a mess. Something—or, maybe, some _one_ —tells you that you can't share your secret.

The others won't know you this time.

You spend a minute fighting with yourself. This is your fault. You sent everyone back Underground, back into their war mindset. You don't want to go forward. You don't want to do this again.

But you _have_ to.

Finally, you sniffle once before getting up. You walk down the narrow passage, through the door.

The flower's still there, smiling at you like he has every time you've gone back.

"Howdy! I'm Flowey! Flowey the Flower!" he greets with that syrupy cheerfulness he always has. "Hm…you're new to the Underground, aren'tcha?"

The rest of his explanation is muffled out as you watch him, trying to keep your face in that same passive expression you always wear. It's hard. You know Asriel's in there, you know he needs a friend.

And you know that there's nothing you can do until the end of the story.

You dodge the "friendliness pellets" without a thought; you've done this enough times to know the routine.

"You know what's going on here, don't you?"

You do. Far too well.

"You just wanted to see me suffer."

You almost tell him that you didn't, but this is the way things have to happen. You stay silent. Bullets surround you, but you're not afraid. You know what happens next.

 _She comes._

"What a terrible creature, torturing such a poor, innocent youth…"

You want to hug her. You want to bury your face in her fur and cry out how sorry you are that you've done this again, that all you wanted was to live with her the way she had wanted.

But you can't.

"Ah, do not be afraid, my child. I am Toriel, caretaker of the Ruins."

You blink several times, still trying to keep up that impassive face. She doesn't know you, not even faintly like she had the last few times. That hurts more than anything.

"Come! I will guide you through the catacombs. This way."

You follow behind her quietly, like you did the first time. You try to be subtle as you rub the tears from your cheeks. If she notices, everything will go wrong.

You walk through the Ruins; even after all this time, you still know them well.

Toriel explains everything as you walk through. You don't need the help, but you're not about to stop her. Even disregarding messing with time, there's something wonderful in having someone wanting to take care of you. Even so, you can't help but show off a little when you talk to the Dummy, making sure to be extra kind to it. Sure, it probably won't make Mad Dummy be any nicer, but the smile Toriel gives you is well worth the extra effort.

"Ah! Very good! You are very good."

You finally break your stony expression, smiling up at her. You'd forgotten she said that.

She scares off the Froggit later on, and then there's the bridge of spikes. You know the path, of course, but all the same, she hesitates.

"Here, take my hand for a moment."

You had hesitated the first time you fell. You've always been self-sufficient, it's how you survived when you first came down. You were fairly certain you could have figured it out, and you probably could have. But you hadn't wanted to insult the nice lady.

This time, there is no hesitation. You put your hand in hers, smiling to yourself as her warm hand wraps around yours tightly, like a hug. She guides you through the maze gently, glancing back to make sure you're all right. You smile to let her know that you're fine.

Now the independence test. You watch her as she worriedly tells you to walk across the room, _alone_. She apologizes and runs. You wait for a moment, letting her have a chance to hide behind the pillar, then very bravely walk across the room. This time you don't peek behind the pillar; you want to let her think she was being expertly sneaky.

"Greetings, my child. Do not worry, I did not leave you."

You smile again as she tells you her reasoning behind this test. She gives you a cell phone—you always forget how basic it is before Alphys updates it—and lets you know that you can call if you need anything.

"Be good, alright?"

Your lips quiver at those words. You think of the first time you met her at the door, the horror as she collapsed after what you thought was a very small hit. You were good that time, for her. You were good another time, even without fighting her, because you remembered what happened when you weren't good at all.

She smiles at you before she goes to get her ingredients for the cinnamon-butterscotch pie. You watch her go, then sit on the floor and look at your phone. She's the only contact. Like always, you call her. You say hello. You call her again and ask her about herself. You call her once more and flirt jokingly. She calls you adorable, and you smile at that.

There's still one thing on your mind you want to ask. You call her again.

"Huh? Did you just call me…'Mom'?"

You called her this the first time you fell, though you didn't know why. You avoided it the last time, because you knew why. But this is different. This isn't coming from another person. This is a conscious action, from you.

"Well…I suppose…Would that make you happy? To call me…'mother'?"

You can't help the way your voice quivers as you tell her yes.

"Well then, call me whatever you like!"

 _Click._

You rub your eyes as you put the phone in your pocket, then take a deep breath. It's time to push on.

* * *

You go through the ruins in next to no time. You're very nice to Napstablook—though you're careful not to mention their cousin—and you stop by the spider bake sale to get a donut. (You don't eat the donut. The last time, you learned that you can keep Muffet from inviting you to her _tea party_ if you show her that you support spiders.)

You stop by the balcony, picking up the toy knife even though you won't use it. You stare out at the buildings of the Underground.

There's still so far to go.

You suck in a breath and put on your best determined face. The quicker you go, the quicker everyone's free. You go to the garden, and Toriel's there, cell phone out. She sees you and gives you a gentle scolding for doing something as dangerous as going through the ruins alone. She notices you're missing some HP and asserts that you _will_ be getting an apology from whoever did this.

She guides you into the house, and this is where things get hard.

"Do you smell that? Surprise!"

The house is even more neat and cozy than you remember, and the smell of butterscotch and cinnamon makes your mouth water and your heart ache.

"Here, I have another surprise for you."

You follow her down the hall, and she takes your hand again as she guides you to the door.

"A room of your own! I hope you like it."

You start to say that you will, but suddenly her hand is on your head, fondly stroking your hair. You swallow hard to keep your face impassive. You wish she would never stop.

But she does, saying that something's burning. This time around, you're pretty sure there isn't. She probably doesn't want to get too attached, considering all that's happened. But you're not supposed to know that yet.

This time you don't wander into her room or peek in the drawers. You just open the door and go right inside.

This room seemed so small when you last saw it, but now it's perfect. The chest of toys, the photo frame, the drawing of a flower on the wall. You could live here forever. You eye the bed, exhaustion tugging you toward it, and you collapse onto it like you had all those times before.

You wake up, tucked in just the perfect amount, and smile at the smell of butterscotch and cinnamon. You keep your eyes closed, savoring the feeling of a warm bed and being taken care of. You know what you need to do, but you let yourself have this moment.

You get up after the moment and take the pie. You'll have it later, when the journey gets too hard and you want to give up. Eating it any earlier would be a waste. You make your way out, telling yourself that you'll be quick and ask to leave right away.

You find her in her chair by the fire, glasses perched on her snout as she reads. You're tempted to crawl into her lap and read with her, but you know you're too old for that. She smiles at you as you enter.

"Up already, I see." She closes her book, marking her spot with a claw. "Um, I want you to know how glad I am to have someone here."

Oh no. You had forgotten this.

"There are so many old books I want to share. I want to show you my favorite bug-hunting spot."

Your throat tightens as she tells you her plans. You want to do those things, too.

"I am glad to have you living here," she finishes, smiling warmly at you. "Oh, did you want something? What is it?"

You lose your nerve and say it's nothing.

"Well, bother me if you need anything else."

You try a couple more times, but again and again you can't. You learn much more about snails than you had ever learned before, and finally you go back to your room.

The toys still don't interest you, but you play with them this time. You're stalling. But the whole reason you reset was so that you could live with Toriel. Surely you could just stay here? You'd both get what you wanted that way.

You crash a little car into a robot toy. It doesn't do anything for you.

What kind of life would you have had down here? Would you have worn the shoes in the bin? Would Toriel care for you until you were an adult? Then what?

Finally, you set the toys down and crawl onto the bed again, this time with a stuffed rabbit under your arm. You don't normally sleep with stuffed animals, but you need something to hug right now. You pull the blanket over yourself and shut your eyes.

* * *

You wake up to find both you and the rabbit tucked in properly. The toys you left on the floor are gone. You rub your eyes, then get up and put the rabbit into the toy box with the others. You know what you have to do, but you still don't want to do it.

You walk down the hallway and look into the mirror. Your eyes are a little red and puffy, and your mouth's wobbling.

Even so, after all this time, it's still you.

You take a deep breath and walk back to the living room. Toriel smiles at you as you approach her.

"What is it?"

Very quickly, you ask her how to exit the ruins.

Her face falls, and she quickly takes off her glasses.

"I have to do something. Stay here."

She runs off. You swallow. One hard part was done.

Now for the worst part.

You go back to your room. You need time to prepare. You crawl on top of the covers and shut your eyes, half-dozing as you work up your courage.

This time, no one tucks you in.

* * *

Toriel, like always, is in the hall when you get downstairs. She doesn't look at you as she explains what she's about to do. She doesn't look at you as she tells you about the other humans before you. She doesn't look at you when she tells you to go to your room.

At the door, she finally looks at you. The soft, loving expression is gone. You know that those narrowed eyes and stern mouth belong to the Queen of the Underground.

"Prove yourself. Prove to me you are strong enough to survive."

The fireballs startle you every time. A few hit you—despite the stony face, she's being gentle; you know she's powerful enough to kill you in one blow—but you _must_ keep sparing her. Even as you're burned. Even as you start to cry.

You need to be strong to get the ending you truly want.

So you keep sparing her.

Her attacks begin to fall to the side, and her stoic façade crumbles as she screams at you.

"Attack or run away!"

You spare her.

"Fight me or leave!"

You spare her.

" _Stop it! Go away!"_

You never noticed how much Asriel takes after her. You spare her.

She finally stops, her face pained.

"I know you want to go home, but…but please, go upstairs now. I promise, I will take good care of you here. I know we do not have much, but…we can have a good life here."

You know you could. You could flee now and have the life you dreamed of. You could be happy right now if you just gave up.

You hiccup and sniffle as you spare her.

"Why are you being so difficult? Please, go upstairs." Toriel's voice shakes. She's trying not to cry. That makes you cry more.

You spare her.

Finally, she lets out a dejected laugh.

"Pathetic, is it not? I cannot even save one child."

You spare her.

"No, I understand. You would be unhappy trapped down here. The ruins are very small once you get used to them. It would not be right for you to grow up in a place like this."

You hiccup, watching her with stinging eyes.

"My expectations…my loneliness…my fears…" She takes a breath and turns away from you. "For you, my child…I will put them aside."

Tears fill your eyes again, but you rub them away. She has to know you're strong. She has to believe that you'll survive. You know that you will, but she doesn't. Not yet.

"If you truly wish to leave the ruins, I will not stop you. However, when you leave…" She pauses and steadies herself. "…please do not come back. I hope you understand."

You do. This is a journey you need to make, and a good mother will let her child grow.

She turns around and gives you a tight hug. You cling to her, burying your face in her white fur and never wanting to let go. You can tell that she doesn't want to, either.

But finally, ever-so-gently, she pulls herself away. She looks down at you, obviously wanting to say so much more. You want to say that you'll see her again in just a little while. That she'll see all the friends you've made, that she'll get to go above ground, that this time you'll stay with her and you'll both have the life you imagined down here.

Neither of you say anything.

She clasps her hands in front of her and, voice choked, tells you, "Goodbye, my child."

You face the door as she quickly walks away, not turning as you hear her pause before walking back toward the house.

Once her footsteps fade, you let yourself break down. You lean against the door and let out a sob—the first one, you think, you've let out since you first fell down. You have so much to do, so far to go. Your friends won't know you. You won't be able to say anything about what happens next. It's overwhelming. It's nearly impossible.

You sniffle and wipe your face. With a shaky breath, you step back and look at the door.

Nearly impossible. But not completely. Not if you stay determined.

After all, you're still you.

You glance back, just once, then let out a breath as you open the door.


End file.
